What's The Funniest Reason You had to fire an Employee?

Assistant manager at an automotive shop. We had a tech that lost his license due to a dui (in a customers car). He ended up getting a place across a field from the shop. Having rained really hard the previous night, we all gathered to watch him cross the field that was now a swamp.

As he walked out his back door, we noticed him stumble. We all figured it was a slippery step. Then we noticed, he was carrying his boots, while wearing socks. As he got half way through the field, he slips, falling flat on his back, in the mud. He got up, and continued his trek. As he reached the parking, his stumble didn't stop. Once inside, he decided the customer waiting room was the best spot to put on his boots, over his wet muddy socks. He sat down, and lifted one foot onto the table, and puked. Without missing a beat, started to put his boot on. As he leaned foward, he passed out flat on the table.

Still drunk, we sent him home. He returned later, to find out he was fired. His first question "why, because I'm late?" He didn't even remember what happened that morning.

I didn't do the firing, but I worked there at the time...

Boss's wife has a friend who needs a job, but has pretty much no qualifications. They figured she could do basic reception work. Boy, were they wrong.

Examples of her struggles:

1. They gave her binders, a 3-hole punch and the stuff that's supposed to go into the binders. Asked her to 3-hole punch the papers and put them in the binders - simple concept. Except, she couldn't work the 3-hole punch. And it's not just that she messed up the first stack - she never figured it out. Some pages had holes right on the edge, so little half-circles were cut off the paper. Some pages had holes along the top. Some pages had one or two holes, because she didn't line up the paper the long way. Some pages had no holes at all and were just tucked into the pockets of the binder. Everything was out of order. Execs from a multi-million dollar account enter the conference room, she passes out binders, and the owners are mortified. She couldn't even work a 3-hole punch to put things into binders.
2. The utility room has a large can for recycled paper. There's a paper shredder in the office that spits shreds into a smaller can. When it's full, you take it to the utility room and dump it into the recycling bin. Simple enough...or not. She decided that instead of taking the small can through the office and to the utility room, she'd take the giant recycling bin to the room with the shredder. It had wheels and a handle so you could tilt it up - like a standard garbage bin that you'd put by the curb would - but instead she dragged it on its side. At one point it she dropped the edge and it spit paper shreds and paper dust everywhere.
3. One Christmas, one of the bosses ordered sets of popcorn tins to send to various businesses around town that were helpful - some real estate agencies they'd worked with, a bank, etc. The popcorn tins are separated into 3 flavors, typically - plain, cheese and caramel. There's a cardboard insert. The receptionist thought this was silly, and went through all the tins and removed the inserts, then mixed the popcorn together. Because everyone wants their caramel popcorn mixed with cheese.
4. We'd get company calendars. Order them in the fall for the following calendar year. This year they got all the order details figured out, and the company sent a sample. You look over the sample, confirm everything looks good, call them up and say to move forward with the order. The receptionist was tasked with the phone call. This is like August of whatever year, so the calendar was for the following year. When the print company stated the project title over the phone, the receptionist was concerned about the year - that's next year! She said to change it to this year. And successfully ordered us a batch of calendars for the last 4 months of the current year, instead of the following year - when we'd hand them out and want to use them.
5. She told us often about these "things" (hand motions!) that come out of the computer monitor like "this" (hand motions!) and do "things" to your body, and cause all kinds of problems. To remedy this situation, she would put a slab of foam on her chair to sit on. Because this repelled the scary computer monitor waves, somehow. Then she started telling clients about the mythical things, too.
6. She mixed the coffee grounds directly into the water instead of using the coffee filter like a normal competent person would do.
7. One of the bosses was out of town when his daughter had an emergency. He asked the secretary to pick his granddaughter up from her school and bring her back to the office until he could get back into town - she'd been there a lot and could pretty much take care of herself once she got there. The secretary went to the school and brought back someone else's child.
8. Boss wanted to buy lunch for the office, asked her to call in the order. She requested drinks and extra salad dressing packets. And forgot to order the actual food. The delivery driver, when questioned, said they had been confused too - but she insisted that was the whole order.